Revelations

I've come to a point where I have to clean up things in my life. I mentioned that I had a situation with a supposed friend this weekend. Last night, I had a face to face talk with this person. I was open to the discussion and after weighing a lot of factors, decided that curtain steps must be taken.

I know first and foremost I need to be free of the company that I've had basically for the last month. Every weekend with this company, there would be way too much liquor than reasonable, to the extent that two consecutive Sundays I came into work hungover and overtired. This all reached it apex this weekend where arguments broke out that carried through the weekend and ended up dragging one person, who I care about an awful lot, into the fray when they didn't need to be.

I know that the root of a lot of this is the excessive drinking that happens within this group. I'm not a drinker by nature, nor to I want to become one. For the sake of self-preservation and as a way to work my way out of this group, I'm not drinking for at least a month. This will be a chance for me to clear my head and think straight. There's also the hope that I'll become boring because I'd rather sit there with a Coke, that doesn't contain any rum.

The other move I'm making is I'm getting back into shape. I was fortunate enough to receive a bike for free last night and went on my first right tonight. Obviously, hills kill me at the moment, but I'm hoping within the month I'll be able to handle those.

Outside of the obvious physical benefits, I'm hoping to receive some mental ones as well. I've been experiencing some depression and self-doubt, and I've had major trust issues ever since an incident back in November where a so-called best friend allowed me to get robbed in my own house, only to do nothing after the fact to show that she even cared to rectify it. This was also another situation where I was drinking constantly. I'm seeing a pattern here. It was so bad, I damn near ruined my schooling. My head has been a trip ever since.

I have a friend that was willing to lend me a book, and I hope that she still does. I'll take anything I can get at this point. I wrote on my tumblr a month ago that I feel like I'm at square one. I'm even more so now. Further, I received constant reminders that I'm better than the situation at hand while on my drunken walk home on Saturday morning. Those declarations are finally sinking in.

The whole ordeal has been a painful, embarrassing, and soul-wrenching. I hope that I've finally learned the affects that liquor does to me in large doses. I also hope to prove to myself the kind of inner strength I have within me. I hope to have some support with this, but if I have to do it alone, then that's what I'll do.

It's me time.

Stress

I'm tired. Plain and simple. I'm at a point where I feel I have no concept of what good people are because the ones I tend to let in close tend to burn me in the end. That is something that really wants to make you give up on people all together. If it wasn't for a couple of bright spots this weekend, I probably would.

Anyway, here's the situation as a whole. I got out Friday night, something that I didn't really want to do. As I told one friend, I really wanted to conveniently disappear so that I wouldn't be home when the cavalry came callin. But I went out anyway. Drank a lot, something else I really don't like to do. One or two drinks with friends is cool. But, drinking to prove my tolerance is very... amateur?.... freshman?.... to me. Then, I have to watch one individual selfishly cross the line repeatedly concerning another friend's boyfriend. Instead of letting the issue go, he keeps running off at the mouth about it, then pulls the whole "anything that happens to you happens to me" card.... I'm sorry, that's happening to her and her only, nobody else.

Follow this up with me walking home because said friend couldn't get laid this given night, so he ends up messing with the depressed fat girl from work, right in front of me. Me, refusing to put up with such a spectacle, just got up and left. No call from said friend to check in. Nothing. I'm just left to do my own thing.

Having to vent to somebody, I call the one person who earlier opened up to me earlier in the week, so this person had to be someone I could spill stuff out to. Thankfully, I was right or else that would of been a lonely walk home. 4:00 in the morning and here I am on a city bike path pouring my soul out on the phone with constant reminders that I deserve better. The truth within that hurt because I wasn't setting my bar high enough when it comes to this. Again, only about two people in my life can I confide in for anything. It's better than nothing, but it does make it rough at times.

OK, I usually like to leave names out of my posts, but I have to say this one. Kat, thank you for everything this weekend. Thank you for letting me cry in your ear when you could of been sleeping.

Her and I hung out on Saturday, which overall I'd call a success. It's well known within my small circle that I have an ever growing interest in this woman (girl, doesn't work). So when previously mentioned said friend apparently was flirting with her, knowing all of this, it was just another instance in which a line was crossed. Now, Friday night there was two females in my group Friday night. Girl A has the boyfriend, Girl B is a long time friend. When previously mentioned said friend decided to mouth off to Girl B about Girl A's boyfriend, he apparently took some things he knew about Girl A and myself, and twisted them around. Another line crossed.

By this point, I'm sick. If it wasn't for Kat meeting up with me for coffee last night, I would of snapped all together. Thank you for being my ray of sunshine yesterday.

So, I get to today. Said friend texts me asking if I'm with Kat. I answer back with "why?". Apparently her and I changing our Facebook relationship statuses to "no answer" on the same day sparked this inquiry. Well, about 2:30 this morning, I wake up from a dream, and feel the urge to change things around online. I had reached a point where I felt I needed to pull back, so I started privatizing some things and deleting some others, with said friend in mind.

So, I finally tell said friend that I really don't like getting into my personal relationships with others. That really goes for friends and girlfriends alike. Come to find out that he actually texted Girl A the same question. Nice. So, now we're moving toward high school covert up type tactics. Sneak around different spots because you just have to know so much about another person's life. In the process, I'm treated like the bad guy because suddenly, I'm treating said friend like an "outsider".

This is where I stand now. I want to go into a shell. I want to retreat from life on a personal level. All I really want is to have my boundaries respected by those I let in close. Right now, I'm not getting that. So, I feel the need to pull back. It's rough because this is the second time I've let someone close only to have my trust burned, and I am a person who tends to wear my emotions on the outside. To have to go against my general human nature is extremely uncomfortable. I don't know about humans.