Revelations

I've come to a point where I have to clean up things in my life. I mentioned that I had a situation with a supposed friend this weekend. Last night, I had a face to face talk with this person. I was open to the discussion and after weighing a lot of factors, decided that curtain steps must be taken.

I know first and foremost I need to be free of the company that I've had basically for the last month. Every weekend with this company, there would be way too much liquor than reasonable, to the extent that two consecutive Sundays I came into work hungover and overtired. This all reached it apex this weekend where arguments broke out that carried through the weekend and ended up dragging one person, who I care about an awful lot, into the fray when they didn't need to be.

I know that the root of a lot of this is the excessive drinking that happens within this group. I'm not a drinker by nature, nor to I want to become one. For the sake of self-preservation and as a way to work my way out of this group, I'm not drinking for at least a month. This will be a chance for me to clear my head and think straight. There's also the hope that I'll become boring because I'd rather sit there with a Coke, that doesn't contain any rum.

The other move I'm making is I'm getting back into shape. I was fortunate enough to receive a bike for free last night and went on my first right tonight. Obviously, hills kill me at the moment, but I'm hoping within the month I'll be able to handle those.

Outside of the obvious physical benefits, I'm hoping to receive some mental ones as well. I've been experiencing some depression and self-doubt, and I've had major trust issues ever since an incident back in November where a so-called best friend allowed me to get robbed in my own house, only to do nothing after the fact to show that she even cared to rectify it. This was also another situation where I was drinking constantly. I'm seeing a pattern here. It was so bad, I damn near ruined my schooling. My head has been a trip ever since.

I have a friend that was willing to lend me a book, and I hope that she still does. I'll take anything I can get at this point. I wrote on my tumblr a month ago that I feel like I'm at square one. I'm even more so now. Further, I received constant reminders that I'm better than the situation at hand while on my drunken walk home on Saturday morning. Those declarations are finally sinking in.

The whole ordeal has been a painful, embarrassing, and soul-wrenching. I hope that I've finally learned the affects that liquor does to me in large doses. I also hope to prove to myself the kind of inner strength I have within me. I hope to have some support with this, but if I have to do it alone, then that's what I'll do.

It's me time.

Stress

I'm tired. Plain and simple. I'm at a point where I feel I have no concept of what good people are because the ones I tend to let in close tend to burn me in the end. That is something that really wants to make you give up on people all together. If it wasn't for a couple of bright spots this weekend, I probably would.

Anyway, here's the situation as a whole. I got out Friday night, something that I didn't really want to do. As I told one friend, I really wanted to conveniently disappear so that I wouldn't be home when the cavalry came callin. But I went out anyway. Drank a lot, something else I really don't like to do. One or two drinks with friends is cool. But, drinking to prove my tolerance is very... amateur?.... freshman?.... to me. Then, I have to watch one individual selfishly cross the line repeatedly concerning another friend's boyfriend. Instead of letting the issue go, he keeps running off at the mouth about it, then pulls the whole "anything that happens to you happens to me" card.... I'm sorry, that's happening to her and her only, nobody else.

Follow this up with me walking home because said friend couldn't get laid this given night, so he ends up messing with the depressed fat girl from work, right in front of me. Me, refusing to put up with such a spectacle, just got up and left. No call from said friend to check in. Nothing. I'm just left to do my own thing.

Having to vent to somebody, I call the one person who earlier opened up to me earlier in the week, so this person had to be someone I could spill stuff out to. Thankfully, I was right or else that would of been a lonely walk home. 4:00 in the morning and here I am on a city bike path pouring my soul out on the phone with constant reminders that I deserve better. The truth within that hurt because I wasn't setting my bar high enough when it comes to this. Again, only about two people in my life can I confide in for anything. It's better than nothing, but it does make it rough at times.

OK, I usually like to leave names out of my posts, but I have to say this one. Kat, thank you for everything this weekend. Thank you for letting me cry in your ear when you could of been sleeping.

Her and I hung out on Saturday, which overall I'd call a success. It's well known within my small circle that I have an ever growing interest in this woman (girl, doesn't work). So when previously mentioned said friend apparently was flirting with her, knowing all of this, it was just another instance in which a line was crossed. Now, Friday night there was two females in my group Friday night. Girl A has the boyfriend, Girl B is a long time friend. When previously mentioned said friend decided to mouth off to Girl B about Girl A's boyfriend, he apparently took some things he knew about Girl A and myself, and twisted them around. Another line crossed.

By this point, I'm sick. If it wasn't for Kat meeting up with me for coffee last night, I would of snapped all together. Thank you for being my ray of sunshine yesterday.

So, I get to today. Said friend texts me asking if I'm with Kat. I answer back with "why?". Apparently her and I changing our Facebook relationship statuses to "no answer" on the same day sparked this inquiry. Well, about 2:30 this morning, I wake up from a dream, and feel the urge to change things around online. I had reached a point where I felt I needed to pull back, so I started privatizing some things and deleting some others, with said friend in mind.

So, I finally tell said friend that I really don't like getting into my personal relationships with others. That really goes for friends and girlfriends alike. Come to find out that he actually texted Girl A the same question. Nice. So, now we're moving toward high school covert up type tactics. Sneak around different spots because you just have to know so much about another person's life. In the process, I'm treated like the bad guy because suddenly, I'm treating said friend like an "outsider".

This is where I stand now. I want to go into a shell. I want to retreat from life on a personal level. All I really want is to have my boundaries respected by those I let in close. Right now, I'm not getting that. So, I feel the need to pull back. It's rough because this is the second time I've let someone close only to have my trust burned, and I am a person who tends to wear my emotions on the outside. To have to go against my general human nature is extremely uncomfortable. I don't know about humans.

My Week In Baseball: 5/12 - 5/18

This is an installment that I'm starting simply because I love baseball. As many of you know, I grew up in the baseball rich state of Florida. Currently, I'm on something of a high by how the sport has done within the Sunshine State this year. In these installments, I'll cover every level of baseball, in particular, the Tampa Bay Rays, Florida Gators, and Pensacola Pelicans

The Tampa Bay Rays finished off a home stand against the New York Yankees this week, taking three out of four. The pitching, as it's been throughout the year, was solid against New York, only allowing six runs in four games. The pitching has been the major difference in the Rays' season, so far. I would tell people over the last few years, having watched this team mature, if they got any kind of consistent pitching, they'd win.

This Rays squad, over the last three years, has always had the ability to hit and I noticed they never seemed to give up, despite losing 90+ games. When the Rays spent the winter getting pitching over everything else, I started to get the feeling they weren't far off. I honestly didn't think it would be this soon, but I'm glad it was. Hopefully they can keep it up.

The Rays then started their inter-league portion of the season with a three game set in St. Louis. Pitching was again the story on Friday night, allowing only one run. However, Saturday afternoon's game turned into a slugfest with the Cardinals taking the game in extras. The Cards would then take Sunday's game, walking off again in the bottom of the 9th, ending the Rays week at 4-3 dropping them a half game behind Boston for the AL East lead.

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The Florida Gators went 4-0 during the week, which included a three game sweep of 13th ranked Vanderbilt in Gainesville. With the wins over Vandy, the Gators not only sealed up a spot in the SEC Tournament next week in Hover, ALA, but they earned the third seed in the tourney. Ironically, Florida will face Vanderbilt in the first round on Wednesday.

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I got a special treat this week as the Pensacola Pelicans made their first ever trip into Lincoln this week to face the Saltdogs. I was giddy to see the Pels play, until they got down 8-0. But still, it felt good to get a taste of home in my home away from home. The entire night I marveled at the uniforms, the aqua "Pensacola" script on the navy blue jerseys, which in my opinion makes them look like a team from the Gulf Coast. I have photos from Friday nights game on Flickr.

Still, after a 3-1 start in Pensacola last week (against the Saltdogs nonetheless), the Pels dropped two of three in Sioux Falls and got swept in Lincoln for a pretty dismal week. The Pels return home on Monday to face the Shreveport Sports in a four game set before ending the week with a three game set against El Paso. Monday night is Mutt Monday, where fans can bring their fluffy best friend to the ballpark, so hopefully it doesn't rain.

A Gator Went Down to Georgia

First off, I apologize for waiting two weeks to post anything on this.

So, I'll guess I'll be giving a brief summery instead of a day by day account.

My time in Georgia was short as we only had two and a half days to spend with my folks there. The first day was spent traveling in the first half, and basically lounging during the second half. This is also where I got reacquainted with my Aunt Janet's constant asking "Are you sure you don't want more?" at the dinner table. Mom complained about gaining weight after the trip. I'm not so concerned, I'd like another five pounds.

The second day there, we took a trip to Amicalola Falls, the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi River in North America. The area there, as for a lot of northern Georgia, is beautiful. Being mid-spring there, the leaves were filling in enough on the trees with still a few blooms. The trees ride along the hills that make up the foothills of the Appalachian Mountain range. During a lot of the driving time we had out there, rock laden streams often ran along the roadside. Overall, the landscape there is much more interesting to me than the Nebraska landscape I see everyday.

My last full day there was spent lounging around a lot. It rained off and on until mid-afternoon, which kept my second cousin Will from catching lizards until then. A little later on, we all went to church in downtown Ellijay. For the first time in years, I actually enjoyed sitting in church.

I stopped going to mass within a couple years after moving to Lincoln, mainly because of the mood of the mass. Apparently, that's due to the diocese that I live in, as it's more cold and old world, in contrast to the more warm and liberal diocese I lived with in Pensacola. Also, the church that I'm to go to here, which is just around the corner from me, seems to be very family oriented. Being from a divorced family, I constant felt like an outcast there. The situation in Ellijay made me wonder if I'll go again once I return to Pensacola.

I spent my last day out of town traveling for nearly 18 hours. It was tiring to say the least. I was also very annoyed by the fact that both the Memphis and Minneapolis airports use the same Boingo wifi service, which only gives you up to an hour of free wifi and then recognizes if you happened to use the service in a different airport that day. The idea of paid wifi services in a place where a lot of people only pass through on occasion is just not very practical to me.

Anyway, I did enjoy the time with my Uncle Jerry, Aunt Janet, cousin Steve and his wife and son. I thank you all for showing a good bit of hospitality to Mom and I while we were there.

I have some photos and video up that I took while I was out there.
Feel free to check out the photos on Flickr here.
And you can view the video here.

Old Classmate of Mine Signs with Orioles

I ran across this article in today's Pensacola News Journal:

It's been the toughest five years of Tim Spooneybarger's baseball life.

Now there is a happy ending in sight.

Battling back from two Tommy John elbow surgeries and countless sessions of intense physical therapy, Spooneybarger, a 28-year-old relief pitcher and Pensacola native, signed a one-year contract with the Baltimore Orioles Monday.

"Oh, man, I'm thrilled to death," Spooneybarger said. "I've just been throwing, getting back into it, just waiting until the time was right. Now that it's finally happened, I can't believe that I'm sitting here. I'm back doing it again. I'm excited as can be."

Drafted in the 29th round of the 1998 MLB Draft, the former Pine Forest standout broke into the major leagues in 2001 as a relief pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and started his promising career with the Braves (2001-02) and Florida Marlins (2003).

Everything changed in June of 2003 when Spooneybarger was sidelined with what was thought to be a minor elbow injury. It proved to be the first of two reconstructive elbow surgeries — he re-injured his throwing elbow in 2005 — and he hasn't thrown a major league pitch since.

Spooneybarger left Pensacola for Sarasota Monday morning and will participate in the Orioles' extended spring training. He will get game action moving up through Baltimore's minor league system and hopes for a return to the major league club by the All Star Break in July.

Spooneybarger was a classmate of mine at Bellview Middle School up to 1994. I remember watching a Braves game one night and suddenly there's this pitcher warming up for the Braves, who just happened to be from Pensacola. So, I looked him up and sure enough, there he is in my class. Glad to see he hasn't given up on his dream and hopefully he makes it back.